There are very few experiences in life that can take you from a euphoric high to feeling like your world has caved in so quickly.
In December 2013, my wife and I discovered we were pregnant with our second child. We were overjoyed! We couldn’t wait to announce it to the world; even bought our son a “big brother” T-shirt. We were starting off 2014 with incredible optimism for the year. However, about 10 days into the new year, our world turned upside down: We had miscarried. We were devastated!
The doctors all said it was normal for women to miscarry. As a matter of fact, research studies have shown that, on average, around 30 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Of course, this did not ease our shock and grief. We were told to hold off until my wife’s body “reset” and then we could try to conceive again.
In December 2014, almost a year to the day, we discovered we were pregnant again. The hurt from the previous year melted away as we rushed to share our joyous news with family and friends. As before, 2015 was looking like a redemptive year for us. But then, almost a year to the day, we miscarried again. It was like being in a terrible Bill Murray film! Again, doctors told us that this was “normal.” It sure didn’t feel normal to us though.
We have learned many things along the path these last two years. We were surprised to find that miscarriage is something many couples do not talk about. When we started sharing our story with others, we learned that many of our friends and acquaintances had similar experiences. We also learned what a devastating toll an experience like this can take on a marriage not built on a solid foundation.
Many couples wait to tell people they are pregnant until after the first trimester just in case they happen to miscarry. We always took the stance that we wanted people to know right away; we didn’t want to hide the joy or the sorrow, depending on which way the pregnancy went. It is so critical to have a community of people around you when you are going through a time of grief. Having that support was invaluable in our time of healing.
As a professional counselor, I have helped many couples overcome obstacles such as this. If you are going through the loss of a miscarriage, here are some points to consider that will help you and your spouse.
MOM NEEDS COMFORT
Oftentimes, guys don’t know how to respond to their wives during this time. The only thing that I knew to do was to be with her and hold her, oftentimes not muttering a word. If you don’t know how your wife receives comfort, ask her. If she can’t tell you, simply be with her. Hold her hand, tell her you love her and weather the storm together. It is important that your wife understands your feelings too — share in the grief together. Yes, strength is important but vulnerability within marriage is also essential.
MISCARRIAGE IS SOMETHING EXPERIENCED BY HUSBANDS TOO
I said earlier that “we” had a miscarriage. I said that intentionally. While what occurred physiologically happened to my wife’s body, what happened emotionally and spiritually happened to both of us. Both my wife and I were grieving the loss of our children, but we experienced it very differently. My wife was, unfortunately, able to feel and experience every bit of the loss of our children firsthand. I, on the other hand, was a bystander to the physical process. While I understood and shared in her emotional grief, clearly, I couldn’t share in the physical burden of the experience. This helplessness magnified my pain and frustration. We were also grieving the loss of the family we had thought we were going to have and always wanted. Changing our vision for our family’s future was quite a journey for us.
GRIEF IS A PROCESS
There are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. If you find yourself feeling any of these, know that you are normal. Being angry is OK. Feeling sad is perfectly natural. Wondering what you could have done differently and feeling guilty are all part of the bargaining phase and are normal. Know that there is likely nothing you could have done, or not done, to change the outcome.
IT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT
We need to take away the stigma of miscarriage. We need to be more open to talking about it. Women oftentimes feel as though they did something wrong during the pregnancy that caused the miscarriage. Out of a fear of judgment from others, they choose to keep this immense grief to themselves. This is an injustice to all men and women who have gone through this pain.
As a professional counselor, I stress the importance of communication and connectedness. Both are critical to emotional, relational and spiritual well-being. Let us not alienate these couples any longer but rather give freedom to experience a common and deeply painful experience without condemnation and judgment.
