I noted a while back that COVID has made me less social. I tire more easily in social settings. I achieve my fill of conversation sooner than I used to. Sometimes, I use my need to walk Teddy, our dog, to abstain from another social encounter.
I know I am not a hermit. I see plenty of people. I play tennis. I engage at the dog park. I partake in exercise classes. I have client calls. But I would describe each experience as more of a tapas-style social encounter.
This has made me wonder what happened to the full meal I used to enjoy, and can I go back? As I turn 65, going back — at least partway — has become my new stretch goal. Simply put, when I am at the 90-minute mark of a dinner with friends, can I resist looking at my watch and planning an exit strategy? Can I find a reserve of energy to do round two?
The short answer to this question is: I can and I will. After all, I still love people — just not in the same quantities. But I want to exude love and appreciation, and there is no substitute for time to affirm one’s value. As I approach the last third of my life, I want to give my friends a loud shout-out for being my sounding board, a reason to laugh, and, when needed, a place to grieve, as when I lost my mom.
But building social stamina will require a plan, and since planning is part of my profession, I’ve put those skills to use. It’s a three-prong plan.
Prong 1: Limit the COVID discussion
Some people need to discuss COVID until the cows come home. It might start with a question like, “Have you seen the most recent data?” or “Did you catch the new CDC guidelines” or, worst of all, “Do you know who just got a bad case of COVID?”
To all these questions, I say, “Move on.” COVID is not that interesting, and even worse, it’s depressing. Furthermore, COVID is here for the duration. Let’s find more positive topics to discuss.
We can go light and discuss recent video streaming picks. The Korean series “Extraordinary Attorney Woo” should be part of that discussion. It’s rich, tender and funny. You could choose heavier topics and ask classic questions about work and family. If you feel nostalgic, you can rehash how the kids parented us during COVID, which is as close to the COVID topic as I get.
Because I’ve lived in Boston for 35 years and have drunk the water, I’m partial to sports. This is very definitely a niche interest for a small group.
The point is to pick a positive topic that sets the right tone.
Prong 2: Pace yourself
It’s important not to be too ambitious during social rehab. I am careful not to over-program, and many of my friends feel the same. This reinforces that we’re almost mainstream.
On a recent evening at a friend’s house for dinner, my husband and I had reached the 90-minute mark, which is when I typically get antsy. We had finished a lovely dinner, so the timing seemed ripe for an exit. Small problem: They wanted to retire to the deck for after-dinner drinks and more talk.
This didn’t sound good to me, so I suggested, “How about we take a walk through the neighborhood and let our food digest?” Fortunately, there was unanimous support for my idea, and off we went.
After a 45-minute walk, everyone was happy, and we said our goodbyes. The pivot move of taking a walk helped us to have an engaging round two.
I will remember this as a possible model going forward.
Prong 3: Asking more than answering
I realized that talking about myself was exhausting, but hearing others talk was not. I am not sure why, but I know I can happily extend the evening by hearing others talk.
The good news is that most people enjoy talking about themselves. Hence, the strategy works for almost everyone.
As with every stretch goal, you must remind yourself, “Why the goal?” In this case, I am rehabbing my social muscle because my friendships are meaningful. Like all good things, it takes work, but I have my eye on the prize and will persist.
Now that I’ve got my plan, I won’t let COVID rob me of my circle.
